Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Tom Cruise and a Shark Fetus walk into a bar...

So it's 2:48 am on a Tuesday morning, and being the shiftless, jobless wastrel I am, I'm still awake. Oh no. This is a problem of late, as my sleep goes in bizarre circular patterns, where one day I'm tucked up in bed by 9pm, then a few days later I'm still up at this time. Mainly because I was asleep until 1pm having a weird dream about kicking ass and taking names with Brock Samson. Seriously. I need to stop watching the Venture Brothers before bed. Let's not even start on my dreams about The Office. 

I was planning on stealing an idea from a good friend of mine (Hi Pete!), where you write terrible movie reviews from memory. This was a cool idea until I realised a) I remember too much about awful movies, and b) Pete might kick my ass. That's pretty unlikely though, as 99% of my friends don't even know about this blog. Mainly because I don't want them being all "hurr your blog is dumb, no one cares what you think about a Pokemon". 

Not that I only write about Pokemon but you get the idea. There is also the problem of friends who are more creative than I ever will be, and friends who are far more verbose (Hi again Pete!).  My only saving grace is if anyone ever finds this, I can just say "Yeah? Well remember the time you wrote that prog rock epic about Henry VIII that lasted 30 minutes? And I stood up for the entire thing in platform heels? Yeah? Well shut up!" 

I have weird friends. 

I have, however, decided to write about movies anyway. But not movie reviews from memory.. no. Today, you get to learn how I am the worst Film student ever. Here's something you didn't know. I have a BA in Film and Media. Get me! chicgeek82 BA (Hons). I always feel a bit like Mr T when I tell people I have a BA. Sucka. 

I learned 2 things from that course. Here they are in no specific order.

1) When Jaws was released, shark fetuses were sold in jars as souvenirs.
2) Something about Top Gun. Don't know what though.

Granted, a lot of my time at University was spent partying like an aged rockstar, but you'd think I would come away with a bit more than that? Surely? I must at least have an awesome taste in films, and a DVD collection full of classics. 


Ladies and gentlemen, I have never seen The Godfather. Or The Graduate. Or Annie Hall. Think of a classic movie. Got it? Yeah? I probably haven't seen it. 

However, my DVD collection contains such classics as: Zombie Strippers, Driller Killer, Crank, Dark Floors (The Lordi Movie), all 3 Transporter movies and 48 Weeks Later which has the tagline "The Bums are eating the Cops!". 

A friend of mine has a secret cupboard where he stores all his embarassing movies. Me? I keep 'em on the rack, pride of place. 

It's like I have some magnet in my head that instantly draws me to terrible, terrible movies. I've been bodily dragged from a shop so I wouldn't buy a copy of Transmorphers. I've cackled in glee at Snakes on a Train. Tonight, I watched Jason Statham shoot a stripper in the tits, then laughed as the implant goo ran out. Me and my fancy book learnin'... 

I recently started a LoveFilm trial (I guess it's kind of like the UK version of Netflix). This was going to be my chance to redeem myself and rent only highbrow movies that would expand my horizons. Or something. I put Annie Hall on the list. I tried to get Black Swan but it was all rented out.. so uh.. I chose a film called Rubber instead. 

Rubber is a film about a killer tyre.

£12,000 to learn something about Top Gun that I forgot.  

I never should have laughed when that one girl said her favourite movie was Titanic. 


  1. Hee-Hee... terrible movie magnet, I think I have that too, at times. Maybe it is all in how they market it. What about Starship Troopers? Now that is a totally awful movie that I will sit and watch EVERY time! ;)

  2. I have a sizable collection of zombie films left over from my BA dissertation, so I can totally relate ;) If you like Zombie Strippers, give Dead and Breakfast a try (if you haven't already...)

  3. @chicanear

    No way! Zombie movies for your dissertation? You must tell me more! I studied Extreme Cinema as part of my BA and was hoping to do something on that but ended up doing a bizarre 10,000 word essay on the financial aspect of Kevin Smith's movies. W.T.F.

    Just looked up Dead and Breakfast on Wikipedia and it looks AWESOME. I shall be adding that to the list ASAP!

  4. Well, my course was Cultural and Historical Studies, and there was a term on horror, but without so much as mentioning zombies. What with all the vampire essays and studies out there, I thought hey, why don't I do that with zombies! I took them at their word that our 8 to 12k words could be on anything...
    It turned out ok, got a 2.1 for it, could have been better though. Mainly about how the representation has changed from a voodoo myth to things like 28 days.

    Heh, hope you enjoy it when it comes around ^_^