Saturday, 30 April 2011

wibbly wobbly timey wimey


Oh man, Dr Who. I've been promising this blog post aaaaalllll week. I've got a lot of cool stuff to show you but I wanted to talk about this weeks episode for a bit first. I foolishly thought "Oh yeah we're totally going to find out loooaaads of stuff and questions will be answered"

Were they?

Pffft no. As usual, I come away with more questions than answers. 

Overall I thought this weeks episode "Day of the Moon" was pretty good. It wasn't as mind blowing and world changing as I expected but hey, nothing ever is. I definitely enjoyed the first 10 minutes, mainly because I do love a good old fashioned Dr Who escape plan! 

I would have liked more of a concrete explanation as to who/what The Silence actually are, that bit seemed a bit rushed to me.. but getting rid of them? Absolutely brilliant. For a change, I didn't have to ask my fiancé "wait what... how does that... I dont even... what?!?" I like when things make sense! However.. I don't think we've seen the last of The Silence. Their weird control room thing is from last seasons episode with James Corden. James Corden is going to appear in an episode this season. HMMM... 

BUT - the baby in the picture! Amy is pregnant?!?! Amy isn't pregnant?!?!? OH EM GEE. What is happening there? Will it have a timehead? What IS a timehead? I have my theories.. (but not on the timehead)

And River Song! What's her deal?? Once again I have my theories, but I'm not going to post them here, because when I'm wrong everyone will be like "Oh man you're such a boob.. why would you ever think that? You actually are the worst person on the planet at Dr Who theories" and that would make me pretty sad. Speaking of sad, River and the Dr are moving in opposite directions guys :( it's such a bummer. 

Oh oh oh! AND THE LITTLE GIRL?!?! And the Time Lord dusty crap? and and.. just AAAH so many things. I don't care about Pirates, or Lily Cole and her weird plectrum shaped head. She's so odd isn't she? Blah. I'm impatient.

In other news, Rory is growing on me SLIGHTLY.. I don't wish he was dead any more. Although this could all change by next week... Now, on with the Dr Who items!

Isn't this the cutest little TARDIS? This would be perfect to hide behind when the Daleks turn up! It's made from Eco Felt which helps save the planet, something the Doctor would be very proud of, and if you ask reeeeeally nicely, you can have a pink one instead of blue! Imagine that? A pink TARDIS! Honestly, I just want to squish it! 

Everybody always complains about their fat bits. However I think it's genuinely impossible not to love these cute little blobs of fat! These cheeky little fellas come from the breeding planet of Adipose 3 and they're so happy to see you. Look at those fat little bellies! These baby adipose are only $5, how can you say no? 

Oh no! It's the Master! John Simm, as The Master, as Harold Saxon. This is a gorgeous little cartoon print of Harold Saxon and The Toclafane. Depressingly, they're the remnants of humanity, from the end of the universe, 100 trillion years from now. On the plus side, they're pretty cute in this print. Look, little Toclafane love hearts! Aww. This print is an absolute steal at $4, and there are so many others in the sellers store, from Amy Pond to Daleks, the Ood and Donna Noble! 

Okay I've saved the best for last this week. This is probably my favourite Dr Who piece on Etsy at the moment. All Dr Who fans will recognise this pendant as the note the Doctor scrawled to little Amelia Pond in the final episode of the last series, trying to lure her to the Museum. Come along, Pond. Amy Pond is without a doubt, my favourite companion, ever. And she's a ginger like me, so ya know, us gingers have to stick together! This pendant looks perfectly aged, as if it's taken a few trips in the TARDIS itself. You'd be a fool not to buy this, seriously. 

New Dr Who blog next Saturday, assuming my brain hasn't melted with all the wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff. In the meantime, there should be a new blog from me every day on whatever subject I damn well please! 

WWJBD? (what would Jack Bauer do?)

Ok. Complaining is awesome. I love to complain. If something is bugging me? I'll whine about it for a good couple of hours.. forget.. then remember and whine some more. But nothing drives me to red misted, blood curdling furious anger more than my internet connection. 

I was planning on doing only one blog post today, about the new episode of Dr Who (which happens in T Minus 3 hours 47 minutes) but oh man, if I don't vent about this I'm going to give myself rage related ingrown toenails or something. 

Once more, I'm going to ask you to cast your minds back to a time when it took you a day to download one song, and movie trailers were a project for a whole weekend. Yes folks, I'm talking about Dialup. 56K. The blight of the common masturbating man. Remember dialup? Remember just how shitty it was in comparison to the super speeds we have now?

Ok, now imagine having an ADSL broadband connection that is less reliable than, and on occasion slower than, that 56k connection. Are you ripping your shirt at the breast and screaming to the heavens "WHY LORD? WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?" Cos I know I am. 

When we had 56k, it disconnected every 2 hours. My ADSL connection disconnects itself on average every 15-20 minutes and takes at least another 10 minutes to reconnect. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, this connection is all "Problem? LOLZ".  

I could be doing something completely innocuous like, I don't know, evaluating the worth of Lynyrd Skynyrd and Kansas based on their respective successes post plane crash. Or I could be frantically trying to perform CPR on a loved one and saying "oh hey could you just Google if the red crocodile clip goes on the right nipple or the left?" and my internet connection would immediately sense there was something I wanted to do online and clam up. 

I have a frigid internet connection. Is it possible to roofie a router? 

Now at this point, normal people will be saying "Lol ur so dum, why u no fone tekk supord". Oh man.. tech support. I've called them like a jillion times. But the internet connection knows... ohhh it knows. As soon as I scream, flip a table and demand someone gets me the number for tech support, I have exemplary internet. It's all "oh hey you want me to Google that? Sure. How about a sammich? You sure look pretty today!" 

I'm not going to name names and get my ass sued off, then I have to live forever without an ass which is gonna make long car journeys pretty uncomfortable. Let's just say, the name of my ISP rhymes with the noise chickens make. Chickens go BOK BOK. 

BOK BOK tech support are the most inept, unhelpful, condescending phone monkeys on the planet. I've worked in pretty much every type of contact centre you can imagine, from sales to banking to "oh god my roof just blew off and grandma's getting all wet". I've dealt with people threatening to kill me, rape me, sue me.. I've had to "agree" to dates with contractors just to make them go and fix a little old ladies boiler in the dead of winter. But not once did I sound like I hate life as much as those guys. 

The best way I can describe their awful tech support is by using "24" as an analogy (small disclaimer: I've never watched 24 because lets face it, it's a pretty silly show, so this is all based on what I *think* 24 is about)

Ok so you're Jack Bauer.. and oh no! You have to diffuse a bomb! Probably left here by some pesky terrorists, or that mountain lion that would NOT stop harrassing your daughter (fyi Jack, get that bitch some Mace.. bitches love Mace). The only problem is, the day they taught bomb disposal at 24 school, you were out back pretending to be a vampire and beating up one of the Corey's. Oh nooo! And there's only 10 minutes left on the clock! But that's okay, there's a handy bomb disposal number on the side that you can call! 

Ok, so you call them. And the first thing they ask is "Have you tried turning it off and on again". Now Jack, you don't get to be a super special 24 secret agent without knowing a FEW tricks. You explain yes, and these lights came on and this happened... But they make you do it again anyway. Because obviously you're a dirty liar and not worth their time. 

5 minutes left on the clock... beep.. beep... beep..

You're getting a bit sweaty now Jack. Shit is getting REAL. Unfortunately BOK BOK bomb disposal/tech support are too busy flipping through their badly xeroxed script of things to say to listen to you. And none of it applies to this situation. And you cut the red wire because they just won't help you and they keep leaving these huge awkward pauses and you think even death would be better than this. And you would be right. Cutting the red wire detonates the bomb and you can finally enjoy the sweet embrace of the grave. No more tech support. No more inane scripted questions.

Fuck you BOK BOK home phone and internet. Fuck you. 

I really want a Jack Bauer cupcake now. I promise I'll make more sense when I post my Dr Who blog later. Assuming you can read any of this because my internet probably ate the entire post. *sob*

Friday, 29 April 2011

You Mess With The Bull... You Get The Horns

Ladies! Who is your most dreamy, swoon-worthy 1980s Brat Pack crush? Is it:

A) Tom Cruise as Brian Flannagan (Cocktail)
B) John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler (Say Anything.. you know, the one with the boombox)
C) Patrick Swayze as Johnny Castle (Dirty Dancing) 

D) All of the above
E) None of the above

If you answered anything apart from E) None of the above, then you are WRONG. Awfully wrong and do not deserve the title of 80s Chick! (as an aside, if you are a lady who likes ladies, ignore this question because we all know the answer is Ally Sheedy. Meow.)

The only correct answer is of course - Rob Lowe as Billy Hicks (St Elmos Fire). 

Oh my God. Billy Hicks. I was about 8 years old when I saw St Elmos Fire for the first time and I was absolutely smitten. Also a bit confused about Ally Sheedy having sex in a shower while wearing pearls but that's for another day. Rob Lowe in that movie was basically sex on legs. Even when he was on stage playing the saxophone and was doing that really cheesy hand clap thing. And then he kisses Demi Moore (Jules) while she's sat on that jukebox, then fights a dude and kisses his bitch of a wife... *swoon* I always wanted Jules and Billy to get together, then he went and banged the frumpy one with the fat thighs. Incidentally, if anyone knows where I can buy a skirt like the one Jules wears at the big party? Hit me up. I need that skirt. 

Sadly, there are about 2 items related to St Elmos Fire on Etsy, so I'm going to talk about something relating to my number 2 ultimate 1980s crush. 

John Bender. Oh John Bender, you were so damn fine. Molly Ringwald was never good enough for you! Plus her face was kinda weird and that haircut was awful! You on the other hand were very pretty and had kind of odd grey coloured hair. Was that a thing in the 80s? Does anyone know? Either way, The Breakfast Club is still one of my all time favourite movies, I'll always be a little bit in love with John Bender, and I'll probably always cry at the end.

So.. after a slightly rambly post, here is my number one Etsy "The Breakfast Club" item! 

Nothing says 80s more than tapes! Taaaapes! Remember them? Awful sound quality and the added bonus of having to rewind or fast forward to your favourite bits! But still, awesome nostalgia! And a tape of the ultimate 1980s movie soundtrack? I am in heaven.

I am a self confessed bag addict. And I 100% adore these bags. I originally looked at the sellers Clutch version of this, then found this two pack! If you're like me and carry around probably 10 times more stuff than you need, then you need a bag you can put a strap on. The large clutch can have D rings added specifically for you to put straps on. Then you can use the tiny clutch for either a change purse, or as a little bag for a fun night out. Oh! The best part? The inside is lined with cupcake fabric! Yummy cupcakes om nom nom! 

You really need to check out this sellers store, they have so many wicked 1980s tape clutches, with everything from Bon Jovi to Cyndi Lauper. They even have some retro Nintendo cartridge purses if you're into a bit of geekery!

Overall, here's my opinion of these clutches and this store:

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Little Miss Boo

It is unseasonably warm in Scotland. I lived in England for 7 years and whenever people asked about summertime in Scotland I would tell them it's usually the last week in July. It's been hot as hell for days now, and being a filthy ginger this is no good for me. I try to limit my exposure to the sun as much as possible but it's no good! I'm all pink and it feels like my head's in a vice. Incidentally, that's my favourite scene from Casino. Gangster movies aside, I can't form enough words to blog about proper things today so instead I will introduce you to my cat. I know that sounds like the most ridiculous thing on the planet but stick with me she's pretty cool.

This little scruffy ball of fluff is Boo. This picture was taken when she was 10 weeks old and NOBODY would take her! Can you believe that? My fiancé and I took a 50 mile round trip to "just have a look" and we came home with her. When we walked into the room the kittens were in, she jumped off a chair and ran head first into a wall. With moves like that there was no doubt in our minds, that was the cat for us. 

We called her Boo because on the drive home, she would pop her head out the top of the box she was in, and would only respond to the word Boo! Sadly my choice of name "Frank Martin The Transporter" was off the table from day one. As was "Ted Danson". 

She settled in super quick, even with a Carribean Carnival (loudly) going past my flat the first proper day we had her, and she made herself at home. 

We also taught her the importance of the internet and how one day if she studied hard she could be a Lolcat. 

Boo grew up quickly, and although she's still cute as hell, she can pull some terrifying faces

And spends a lot of time getting in places she's not supposed to...

Boo also seems to have little respect for religion OR Christmas either... 

In conclusion: Boo is a cat of contrasts and her main export is corn, or as the Native Americans call it, "Maize". Here is a short Q&A with Boo herself:

Q: What is your favourite food?
A: Margarine.

Q: Biggest fear?
A: The giant white pigeon who lives in the garden. One time, I got so scared I did a little poo in the sink.

Q: Most annoying habit?
A: That smacking noise I make while I lick my own butt

Q: What's your favourite toy?
A: Although I've got lots of toys, my favourite has to be McCoys crisp packets tied into bows. Salt and Vinegar preferably. 

Q: Best friend?
A: The compressor in the humans freezer. It makes brilliant noises, and I make them back. I think we really understand each other.

Q: Hopes for the future?
A: To get on top of the wardrobe any time I like, because sleeping on that giant stuffed pony is well good.

Please note: Boo doesn't actually talk but as her owner this is probably a fairly accurate representation. And yes, her favourite food in the whole world is margarine. No, I do not feed her margarine.

I've rambled on long enough about my cat now, probably enough to be considered a proper mental cat lady. But I'm not, I showered today. So I will end with a video of Boo doing what she does best, messing up your shit. Also I promise I will be back tomorrow with a PROPER blog, with Etsy items and everything. Don't expect any Royal Wedding nonsense though. Oh, and an extra special Dr Who Saturday blog on Saturday as well! Yay!

Oh also! In response to my "grrr white walls" post, I know that's a plain white wall in the video but that bedroom was 8ft x 8ft so if I painted it any other colour it would have been like living in some sort of hellish coloured box. And I don't live there now so nyah! 

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Truly truly truly outrageous

Okay hands up, who remembers the 80s? If you were a boy you probably liked Transformers (or GoBots.. if you sucked!), and if you were a girl it was probably Jem and the Holograms. Seriously, how awesome was Jem?  Forget Hannah Montana, Jem was the original "omg I live a secret double life" popstar. Except Jem didn't have to change wigs. Noooo.. she had magic computer earrings, and when she touched them she changed from stripey outfitted orphanage owner Jerrica Benton into Jem! Who was of course truly, truly truly outrageous etc etc. 

Can you tell I absolutely loved this stuff as a kid? Ate it up with a giant spoon. Although my Jem doll was a surprising disappointment and was so manly looking it was quickly relegated to the role of  "Barbies long haired boyfriend". However, this didn't stop me squeaking in excitement when I found this on Etsy a couple of days ago: 

Seriously, how awesome is that? And the best part? That necklace is hand drawn and hand painted. I cannot imagine having that much talent, EVER. I strongly suggest you get clicking as I have been sending increasingly frantic MSN messages to my fiancé, explaining in great detail how my life won't be complete until I have this necklace. Beat me to it people, genuine artistic talent like this deserves to be sold quickly. 

(oh, and for all the boys who got excited when I mentioned Transformers - go check out some amazing custom made Transformers here!

Ground Control to Major Tom....

Wow, this is my first ever ever ever blog post. I've been online for over 11 years now and have never had a blog. I must be such a n00b l0lz0rz r0fl and so on and so f0rth. Basically until now I've never really had much to say, and anything I DID want to say would be clouded by 3 bottles of cheap wine and some sort of rejection (whether from a boy or from a nightclub.. although the nightclub would usually be EJEction). Okay enough weirdness:

Now I'm being incredibly sensible and settled down, old age has caught up with me. Not really old age, I have some weird mystery illness that makes it difficult to walk. So going to the North West's deepest, darkest metal clubs in skyscraper heels is now off my agenda. Most of my time is spent at home with my fiancé and my cat (I have no doubt she will feature quite prominently in future, even though I can't sell her on Etsy.. not that I tried.. or Ebay.. or Craigsli..*ahem* you get the idea...)

I make jewellery. Personally, I think it's pretty awesome but I'll let you be the judge of that! My store can be found here!

As an Etsy seller, I've started becoming a bit frustrated and jaded with the way Etsy promotes things in their emails and on the front page. 99% of items featured are in front of a startlingly white background. The item in question is probably wispy and gauzey and completely impractical for an actual real person. Models are all attractive and are probably gazing wistfully at a fixed gear bike and skinny jeans off camera. 

Enough! I am none of these things. I don't know about you but I'm fat and sassy. I don't own an amazingly pure white wall anywhere in my house because I do not live in an asylum (yet). I make jewellery that you can actually wear without people calling the authorities! And I've been completely unsuccessful at luring in a hipster to model for me, even after baiting my trap with those nice black glasses they like AND some Pabst Blue Ribbon. 

I am going to review things I like. I don't care about backgrounds or how your picture is the most in focus picture I have ever seen IN MY LIFE. It's all down to actual artistic merit of what you're selling. If you're item is awesome, I'll feature it. 

P.S - sorry if you have pure white walls, they're probably really nice walls. Go walls!

P.P.S If you pose your Etsy items on the back of a dog or something, I probably won't feature it because that's pretty gross. Unless it's a doggy coat. But you know what I mean, no ickyness!