Saturday, 30 April 2011

WWJBD? (what would Jack Bauer do?)

Ok. Complaining is awesome. I love to complain. If something is bugging me? I'll whine about it for a good couple of hours.. forget.. then remember and whine some more. But nothing drives me to red misted, blood curdling furious anger more than my internet connection. 

I was planning on doing only one blog post today, about the new episode of Dr Who (which happens in T Minus 3 hours 47 minutes) but oh man, if I don't vent about this I'm going to give myself rage related ingrown toenails or something. 

Once more, I'm going to ask you to cast your minds back to a time when it took you a day to download one song, and movie trailers were a project for a whole weekend. Yes folks, I'm talking about Dialup. 56K. The blight of the common masturbating man. Remember dialup? Remember just how shitty it was in comparison to the super speeds we have now?

Ok, now imagine having an ADSL broadband connection that is less reliable than, and on occasion slower than, that 56k connection. Are you ripping your shirt at the breast and screaming to the heavens "WHY LORD? WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?" Cos I know I am. 

When we had 56k, it disconnected every 2 hours. My ADSL connection disconnects itself on average every 15-20 minutes and takes at least another 10 minutes to reconnect. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, this connection is all "Problem? LOLZ".  

I could be doing something completely innocuous like, I don't know, evaluating the worth of Lynyrd Skynyrd and Kansas based on their respective successes post plane crash. Or I could be frantically trying to perform CPR on a loved one and saying "oh hey could you just Google if the red crocodile clip goes on the right nipple or the left?" and my internet connection would immediately sense there was something I wanted to do online and clam up. 

I have a frigid internet connection. Is it possible to roofie a router? 

Now at this point, normal people will be saying "Lol ur so dum, why u no fone tekk supord". Oh man.. tech support. I've called them like a jillion times. But the internet connection knows... ohhh it knows. As soon as I scream, flip a table and demand someone gets me the number for tech support, I have exemplary internet. It's all "oh hey you want me to Google that? Sure. How about a sammich? You sure look pretty today!" 

I'm not going to name names and get my ass sued off, then I have to live forever without an ass which is gonna make long car journeys pretty uncomfortable. Let's just say, the name of my ISP rhymes with the noise chickens make. Chickens go BOK BOK. 

BOK BOK tech support are the most inept, unhelpful, condescending phone monkeys on the planet. I've worked in pretty much every type of contact centre you can imagine, from sales to banking to "oh god my roof just blew off and grandma's getting all wet". I've dealt with people threatening to kill me, rape me, sue me.. I've had to "agree" to dates with contractors just to make them go and fix a little old ladies boiler in the dead of winter. But not once did I sound like I hate life as much as those guys. 

The best way I can describe their awful tech support is by using "24" as an analogy (small disclaimer: I've never watched 24 because lets face it, it's a pretty silly show, so this is all based on what I *think* 24 is about)

Ok so you're Jack Bauer.. and oh no! You have to diffuse a bomb! Probably left here by some pesky terrorists, or that mountain lion that would NOT stop harrassing your daughter (fyi Jack, get that bitch some Mace.. bitches love Mace). The only problem is, the day they taught bomb disposal at 24 school, you were out back pretending to be a vampire and beating up one of the Corey's. Oh nooo! And there's only 10 minutes left on the clock! But that's okay, there's a handy bomb disposal number on the side that you can call! 

Ok, so you call them. And the first thing they ask is "Have you tried turning it off and on again". Now Jack, you don't get to be a super special 24 secret agent without knowing a FEW tricks. You explain yes, and these lights came on and this happened... But they make you do it again anyway. Because obviously you're a dirty liar and not worth their time. 

5 minutes left on the clock... beep.. beep... beep..

You're getting a bit sweaty now Jack. Shit is getting REAL. Unfortunately BOK BOK bomb disposal/tech support are too busy flipping through their badly xeroxed script of things to say to listen to you. And none of it applies to this situation. And you cut the red wire because they just won't help you and they keep leaving these huge awkward pauses and you think even death would be better than this. And you would be right. Cutting the red wire detonates the bomb and you can finally enjoy the sweet embrace of the grave. No more tech support. No more inane scripted questions.

Fuck you BOK BOK home phone and internet. Fuck you. 

I really want a Jack Bauer cupcake now. I promise I'll make more sense when I post my Dr Who blog later. Assuming you can read any of this because my internet probably ate the entire post. *sob*

1 comment:

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