I'm illllllllllllllllllllllll. Well, no. If I had some sort of explosive food poisoning or maybe I had been bitten on the nose by a bat and then went to live under the porch only to come out and harass that nice woman and her kid in the car out there because I have RABIES, then yeah maybe you could say I was ill. You could also say I probably read too much trashy Stephen King but that's a whole other matter. The long and short of it is, my throat hurts.
Oh man, does my throat hurt. In my 28 and a bit years on this planet I've had pretty much every throat pain ever. Stabby ones, achey ones, those weird ones that sometimes happen and it makes you smell funny things... I've even had tonsillitis. But this one is just.. ugh. My throat is SO dry. That's what's causing the pain and annoyance and whining. A dry throat. But it's so dry it feels like it's sticking to itself. How gross is that?
I've had drinks.. I've had mints and various other sweets.. I've tried shouting at it but that doesn't work because my throat is too sore to shout. Even my sweet sweet cigarettes, my only vice in the world, are causing me pain. And they're menthol! Menthol is minty, minty things help when you're ill!
And I keep swallowing, and doing this clicky thing with my throat. Like I'm a dolphin maybe. Except if I was a dolphin I'd be saying "hey dolphins, this sucks, my throat hurts.. I'm not doing any goddam backflips today, screw you Seaworld!" It's probably okay being a dolphin with a sore throat, because you're surrounded by all that salt water. Salt water helps.. except this time.
Today I had to go to TWO supermarkets which is my least favourite thing to do on earth, and now I feel so foul I came home and got straight into my pajamas. Then I started looking for things on Etsy that would make me feel better. So far I found these:
Pugs! Pajamas! Two of my favourite things, finally together! If you don't like pugs, well, I don't know what to tell you. Except that you are wrong. Pugs are the most superior doggies on Earth, because they turn even the hardest man into a bubbling pile of mush after just 5 minutes of "awww wookit his widdle smushy face d'aawwwww". Pugs rock my socks. These yoga pants are just.. oh man they're amazing. I want to buy them and live in them forever.
EDIT: I just got a message from nicandthenewfie who make these wonderful yoga pants, and they're offering 15% off all items in their store if you use the code chicgeek . How cool are they? You should go buy looooads from them for being so awesome :)
Little tiny bears to soothe your sore throat. What could be better? These little dudes are organic, vegan and come in other flavours including cinnamon, peppermint, lime and orange! How good is that? Because I don't know about you, but I get pretty tired of sucking on those awful throat lozenges that come in flavours like "Rubbing Alcohol and Lemon", "Blackcurrant and Disinfectant" and "Honey and Floor Cleaner". Apart from the fact I nearly called them "Horehouse Hard Candies", these are brilliant!
Now, living in Scotland you would think I'd be used to the ridiculous temperatures and having all 4 seasons in one day. You would be wrong. Right now, it's the end of May and we have 100mph winds and hail. HAIL. At this second, I can think of nothing better than curling up in bed, under my duvet with this hot water bottle cover. And a hot water bottle obviously. Look at it! It's all furry and warm.. and it's leopard print which is my number one favourite print in the whole wide world. Even my phone wallpaper is an eye burning acid green leopard print. If it was real, that leopard would have no chance in the wild. No sir. Oh, I should also mention, this hot water bottle cover comes with a free sachet of lavendar right now, so not only is it awesome and furry etc etc but it will smell nice AND help you sleep! Bargain!
In conclusion, I still feel awful and grumpy and will no doubt regale you with more tales of woe for the rest of the week. Boo hoo.